autumnsoliloquy90: (straight through the heart)
[personal profile] autumnsoliloquy90
where is home
i ask myself

is it the seven thousand five hundred islands
your heart the maelstrom of typhoons
ayan, naulan na, laro na tayo sa ulan
catching dengue and making mama cry
she always cried, thanks to them mga
maldita, punyeta kayo

but still you missed the bibingka
charcoaled ovens on the way to the church
simbang gabi, that rare chill in the tropics
chick enjoy and hotdogs in the spaghetti

i love in storms
devastatingly self
i love from the distance
in balikbayan boxes filled with
bahay-bahayan dreams
adobo replaced with japayuki dish
messages of the spirit
seven oceans between us
land masses of beliefs and tongues

is it the island of rain
the humid condensation of sweat
clinging to your armpits
the maid jokes
go clean the classroom, you filipino maid
my cheeks coloured the shade of welts
reminiscent of belts
whip lash
i hated my mother then
and every woman who cleaned houses
with dignity and their children hating them

i love in glass ceilings
desperately trying
intimacy meant everything
but there is a limit to love
i love in otherization
their pale skins would never love me
their proud identity would never accept me
The (CMI)Others have always been
The Most Beautiful

is it the white man's land
years of longing
looking for belonging
seeking shelter in temporary makeshift
houses, a mockery of love
twist your tongue
it will never be enough
wishing your death is not enough
surviving is the best revenge

is it the warm slow pulse
beating heart beneath my cheek
bony prominences, feet deep in white snow
eyelashes against my skin
it reminded me of the cheap cigar
my grandmother used to chain smoke
(she gave it up when I pleaded with her)
i never liked cigarette smoke besides that
scent of skin
a hallucination of love
would my deranged mind ever recover

where is home
i ask myself


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December 2016

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