autumnsoliloquy90: (straight through the heart)
[personal profile] autumnsoliloquy90
My cousin calls me Tita although technically speaking it's hard to even define our relationship cos we're not blood related. But I guess someone who is twice your age does appear really old to someone who is a teenager.

I'm going to Vienna next weekend for a congress, then I'll be going everywhere in the UK for the next two months for various symposiums, conferences, competitions and courses. I just feel the need to really maximise this year and put myself out there again, as compensation for all these years of hiding underneath a metaphorical rock. I'm really excited for Oxford but I also fear that I'm building up my expectations too high, and that I might face disappointment again, because that's just the story of my life. I'm trying to be optimistic and just take things as they go, no expectations. I hope I will really enjoy myself for once, make meaningful connections with people, and strangely enough, I hope I do not fall in love with anyone. Romance is a pain in the ass, especially when your time is fleeting.

My sister recently told me, in a bid to offer some comfort, that this is our lot in life. That statement was said with a whole lot of gratitude and acceptance for what is, and what isn't. I'm not there yet, but I've decided. This will truly be the year when I accept this insignificance, when I'll no longer be bitter about the cards life has dealt me. It isn't such a bad hand, though I could have more aces, but. You can't have everything in life.

And the future scares me because of the infinite variety of possibilities it offers. Just a little bit of creativity would bring my mind spinning. Maybe I'm not meant to have the life I've always thought would make me happy: house with picket fences, 2.4 children and the love of my life by my side. So contrived, that only a rare few in this seven billion population would actually achieve it. Maybe I will get stuck here forever and find peace in the end. Maybe I'll find what I'm looking for all these years, elsewhere. Maybe I will have the average career and family balance I've dreamt of. Maybe not, maybe there is a higher calling waiting, and I have yet to hear it. Maybe I'll be afflicted with disease, maybe I'll be dead. Maybe I'll live over a hundred, when I can't even recognise myself, when no one wants me because I've overstayed past deadline. Maybe whatever the future holds, my limited imagination could hardly conjure it.

Hold your cards close to your chest, and deal with them one at a time.


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December 2016

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